When a “little girl” loses her Dad

Dear Dad: We laid you to rest a week ago and all I want to do is pick up the phone and call you. The tears are just rolling down my cheeks as I type this. I would have never suspected that I’d be this broken by your death. Although I’d known who you were all my life and spoken to you on several occasions, I didn’t really know you as Daddy or develop a real relationship with you until seven years ago. Still, watching you take your last breath just tore my heart out. The little girl in me retreated into a corner bawling for all the lost time.

The tears of a little girl…

In the days and weeks after you died I struggled to keep it together. But I had to as if I allowed myself to fall apart I may not have been able to get back up. I hurt for the toddler that didn’t get piggyback rides or bear hugs from her daddy. I weep too for the little girl who never learned to ride a bike or have her dad help her with homework.  My heart weeps and wails for the abused teenager who didn’t have her daddy to protect her. That teenager desperately needed her daddy. Maybe, just maybe she would not have needed to run away from home at fourteen.

As I look back, I cry for the young lady who sought a father figure in every man she dated because her Dad was absent growing up. Though I grieve for all the younger versions of me the adult me wails too because I miss you terribly Dad.  I just want to hear your voice. I wish we had had more time together for me to learn more from you and get to know you even better.  I would love to make more memories with you and yes dance together just one more time. I long to hear you say, “baby girl” or “big nose” just one more time. Its funny how the trivial things mean so much more now.

The fears of a little girl…

Perhaps had I not ignored you back then we could have started our relationship sooner. I remember that time when I saw you on the bus on the way home from school. I was probably no more than ten years old at the time — a little girl. You called my name several times trying to get my attention. I ignored you — I mean stone faced, looking straight ahead ignored you. You were supposed to come and pick me up the week prior and you didn’t show up. I was scared of being disappointed by you again and I didn’t want to get excited for nought. You called me “fresh” then. I suppose I’d been disappointed by you one too many times and at that young age erected walls that would prove hard to chip away even as an adult.

If only the adults in my life had insisted that I develop a relationship with you back then. Because little girls need their Dad and big girls need their Dads too. I would do anything for just one more day with you. In truth I would love to have one more year… and then another and another. No matter how old I am, I’ll always be that little girl who needs my Daddy.

The growth of a little girl…

Many years after that incident you reached out to me on Facebook and again I ignored you. Surely, I didn’t need a Dad now I thought.  At your urging my little sister reached out to me too. Thankfully she did as that led to a trip to England to meet all my siblings and started a beautiful relationship with you. I smile through my tears because just two months after reconnecting with you, you walked me down the aisle and gave me away. A memory I’d cherish forever.  

At your funeral I listened to my older sissy describe the woman she is today thanks to you. I marveled that though I didn’t grow up with you she was describing me. Nature is just as powerful as nurture yes? I’m so proud to have your DNA and the Jack lineage carved into my being.

The love of a little girl…

You created a strong, confident woman who believes she can do anything she puts her mind to. I smile too, because I know where I get my creativity from. I never gave it much thought before, but I know that it stems from my song writer, musician, youth leader, politician, educator, world changer and creative genius of a Dad. You celebrated and pushed for education and excellence in all your kids. For that I would be forever grateful.

Dad, thank you for loving me. Thank you for being persistent in trying to establish a relationship with me. I love you Dad.

Forever and ever your “big nose baby girl.”

Leave a Comment

  1. 5.11.19
    Morgan said:

    I’m so sorry for your lost! This is a beautiful post and brought me to tears!

  2. 5.9.19
    Tara said:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. You have so many great and wonderful memories with him.

  3. 4.30.19
    Ashh said:

    So beautifully written! I’m sorry for your loss.

  4. 4.24.19

    I am so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my mom quite unexpectedly, so I understand. The situation may be different but my heart grieves with you. Sending love and prayers.

    Love, Laura
    http://www.blogilluminate.com

  5. 4.24.19

    Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. I haven’t lost my parents, but it hit me HARD when my grandparents died… I can’t even imagine…

  6. 4.23.19

    I’m so sorry for your loss. This is such a beautiful way to remember him and such precious memories. xo Jana | http://www.janastyleblog.com

  7. 4.23.19

    Aww this is the sweetest message to your father and I am so sorry for your loss. Just know that he is looking down and shining upon you and your family. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful story of your relationship w your father.

  8. 4.23.19

    I’m so sorry for your loss. The grief never quite goes away but you learn to accept it with time. This is a beautifully written tribute to your dad. It’s real catharsis to seek solace in writing when you are in pain. I also honored my mom in a blog post. PM for the link if you’re so inclined.

  9. 4.23.19

    I’m so sincerely sorry for your loss. My father-in-law passed away a couple months ago so reading your post was especially poignant as I could see many similarities in that pain of loss and unconditional love from a parent. Wishing you much strength as you move forward in your life, and hope you can take small comfort in knowing you are not alone in your grief. A wonderful quote I have found helpful, from Maya Angelou: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away.”

  10. 4.23.19
    Cristina said:

    I’m sorry for your loss. What a beautiful post and what beautiful photos. Thank you for sharing 🙂

  11. 4.23.19
    Colleen said:

    I’m sorry for your loss — losing loved ones is never easy, and they never really leave us.

  12. 4.22.19

    As I celebrate my Dad’s birthday today I can’t help but feel such heart ache for you at the loss of your wonderful Dad. You have some amazing memories of him. I am so ad for your loss.

  13. 4.22.19
    Aurora said:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad three years ago. It was hard at first, but now I am accepting and know he is watching over me. #scsister
    xo Aurora

  14. 4.22.19
    Michelle Russo said:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. This was beautifully written! <3

  15. 4.20.19
    Jennifer said:

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Jennifer
    Effortlessly Sophisticated

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